I fear going to bed at night because everytime I wake up, I wake up thinking its okay. Then I notice its not, and it never will be <3

And hopefully my future will be just as good ><

You were always hers :/

She's a girl,, is that so wrong? :/

You said it would change,, you said you loved me,, i obviously wasn't worth the truth :/ </3

I looked a state. To Ellis. To every passer by who could see my state. I was walking around with his hoodie, keeping him close to my bump at all times. I wasn't prepared to let him go so soon, I never want him to leave. My hair was a state. I hadn't brushed it since god knows when, my long black hair which people once envied had lost its volume, it looked matted. Worst of all, the mascara was streaming down my face like a waterfall. If only he would be waiting for me at the park corner.. If he would jump out and say it was a joke...a sick sick joke. I wish.
I ended up walking to Ellis' house..I knew I shouldn't, it wouldn't be fair. But to be honest, I need to be here. Nothing had changed much here, from the outside anyway. The only difference was the small blue buggy left outside upon the porch...well atleast I knew Em was in.
I had always dreamt of coming home to 'our' home, twisting the key in 'our' door and walking into a land of 'our' luxuries. Best of all, with 'our' children filling the atmosphere with joy. Stood looking up at his house, I knew this would always be a dream....Something inside my head.
I clicked back to life...and pressed the doorbell. Twice. Breathing in a very deep breath to help the pain go away. As i was inhaling, Emily opened the door with Elliott cradled in her arms. She looked so tired, bless her. Birth and death all in one go. It really must strain you and drain you of energy and belief. She casually invited me in.
'Sorry, excuse the state of the house....and excuse the state of myself.Rachel is sat in the dining room. Shes making the ermm..funeral arrangements, feel free to go through babe'
I slowly walked into the dining room, thinking of the funeral made me realise, this was one hundred percent real. I needed to get a grip. For myself and the baby. Rachel's face lit with glee when she saw me walk thorugh, I knew it was okay to be here, she had accepted me. I pulled out one of the white wooden chairs and sat down. Rachel linked her hand into mine, tears fuelled her eyes.
It was 2 hours later and we had just finished arranging the..funeral. Hopefully, it would be as magical as it could be. For Ellis. The date was set. Thursday 3rd September, exactly a week. Which gave me time to go for my first scan, to get a picture of his baby, which he can keep by his side for eternity. A link between the baba and its daddy.
Rachel stood up and held out her arm once again,
'Tia, follow me, I have something to show you, that I want you to have'
With that...We followed the staircase...

I woke to the sound of a baby crying. I thought it was my baby, i was frightened I'd had it early. I jolted upright, only to find Emily and Rachel sat in my room with baby Elliott.
'Take a chill pill love' joked Emily
'Yeah okayy....I was just a bit mehh' i replied.
I was the only person Rachel had left, i was the one with the final part of Ellis. Maybe thats why shes here.
Then Emily broke the news..
'Im discharged today with elliott... but Im not going back to mum in Bristol..Im staying with Rachel now'
I couldn't have been more happier if i tried. Finally someone thats understanding, and she'd be just around the corner if i needed her.
I just wanted to go home now, I've had enough of hospitals. I belong back at home. Im the shameful daughter who got pregnant far too young, going home will not be easy.
I decided to discharge myself with Emily. Me and the baby were fine anyway. I just wanted to be home, I think.
Dad pulled up to the hospital to collect me, he hardly spoke all the way home. i just remember walking through my front door, the familiar pleasant aroma of homecooked apple pie thronged the air. As i turned the corner, i could see Tyler watching the football, not even a hi from him.
I decided I didnt want to be a hinderance to anyone, so i continued my journey up the stairs, carefully holding onto the walls until i reached my bedroom door. I just stopped and stood there, i held my bump.
'Baby, we're home now. Everything will be okay'
I turned the handle of my bedroom door, my room was exactly how i left it. Everything reminded me of Ellis. The picture of us making daisy chains last summer, the hoodie he left behind for me to wear, the gifts he gave me...I could go on. But i put the hoodie on and curled up in bed under my own covers and cried. I didn't want to be liek this, I didn't want him to leave me...I just want to be with him.The baby is the only thing keeping me here right now. Honestly.
I woke an hour later to the sound of my phone bleeping. I hoped and I prayed it would be Ellis, but it wasn't. I need to realise, it never will be. Ever.
It was only Imogen, she rang to pass on her sympathy. I didn't know what to say, this was the first person to do this. But is she really sorry? Why does she need to be sorry?!
I got off the phone and walked downstairs. I passed mum on the way down and just walked straight out the front door. Her face dropped, she didnt think I'd be out and about so soon after. She was wrong. She thinks ive taken this whole thing 'well'. Truth is.Im not taking it atall. I really wish it wasnt true...This was all a nightmare. ....

Ellis was beautiful that night. His skin was so warm and smooth. We were led on my bed, arm in arm. He began to slowly kiss my neck like never before. Soon enough we were venturing into our own little world, we were in a state of ecstasy, my heart got stronger. We got stronger. Our night of passion was undescribably beautiful. Yet it was all over so quickly.
Then there was a scream. Ringing and ringing through my mind. This beautiful memory was turning into a horrible nightmare.
I jolted upright.
 
I looked around at my surroundings... I wasn't on the same ward, i was in my own little room somewhere. I looked to the left and saw a cot. Then I remembered everything. I guess this is the maternity unit I thought to myself. This is where Ellis should be, with me, looking after me and little'un.
I led back on my bed for a while, waiting for morning to finally come. I couldn't just lie here and pretend everything is okay. So i swung my legs round the bed and slowly got up, carefully placing a hand on what seemed to be a very tiny bump. I wasn't going to let anything happen to my baby.
I slipped on my fluffy slippers and held on to the walls heading for the door. I didn't want to wake anyone, so i slowly crept out and followed the sign directing to the toilets.
I didn't want to go back to bed, so i went on a wander around the ward. Dodging the odd few nurses now and again.
'Tia'
I looked around sharpish, who would know me here?
It seemed to be Emily, my old old friend from summer camp last year. She too, was only 16. She had been here 48 hours already and only recently gave birth to her beautiful baby boy. I couldn't be in labour that long!
Emily knew Ellis, i met Ellis through her. Cousins. Emily had been informed of Ellis' death just before she gave birth. She had the same reaction as me, curl up in a ball and sleep it off.
Emily ended up coming back to my room, bringing baby elliott with her.
'He's a little beaut' I said to Emily.
It felt so nice to have someone 'sane' to talk to. I poured my heart out to her. Was wrong of me really, seeing as she was just as upset/ But she understood. Poor Emily, having a baby at the same time her cousin was dying. She couldnt celebrate yet at the same time she couldnt mourn as Elliott needed her.
Just as Elliott dozed off...So did we. Em and myself on the bed and Elliott in the leftover Crib.
A bright light shone through the window.....